Pagan at Heart

At peace with myself and the world… or at least headed that way

Archive for the tag “god”

Reclaiming the Divine

While meditating yesterday, I was drawn to focus on the image of a woman – the Goddess. She was smiling; I sensed that she was extending her hands to me she might teach me. As I took her hand, I saw the image of a man – the God – standing in the shadows. He too had a warm smile on his face, but he did not make any movement toward me. He nodded at me and seemed to tell me that he was content to wait until I was ready to seek him out. And then the vision was gone.

My background is dominated by patriarchal religious fundamentalism of the Baptist flavor. Men are venerated over women in the Bible, which is a reflection of the people who wrote it. This way of life – patriarchy – was taught to me at church, at the school I attended from K-4 through 12th grade, and at the Baptist college I attended. The god of the Bible is male, and boy does he have a temper! He was to be feared and obeyed, lest he choose to strike you down.  His son, Jesus, was a much nicer fellow, whom I always viewed as the kind-hearted ambassador who kept his father from smashing us like bugs. In short, my previous experiences with male divinity and masculinity have not been positive. As a result, I struggle with approaching the male side of the divine right now. It will take time for me to learn how to reclaim the divine masculine.

Conversely, the female side of divinity is completely new to me. The notion that women may have divine status as well is incredibly empowering and has already had a huge impact on me. Instead of being stuck as the gender which led Adam astray (and, as a result, cast the whole world into sin), we may see ourselves as the beautiful, good beings that we are. The Goddess has always appears as a mother-figure to me. She offers warmth, love, nourishment, and protection like a good mother does for her children. This aspect of the divine is what I need to heal my hurts and help me as I change and grow into who I am meant to be. I find great joy in discovering the divine feminine.

I am a huge fan of balance. I find it is very important in my own life; I’ve seen the damage caused by imbalance in my life and the lives of others. At some point in the future, I will embrace a more balanced approach to the divine – embracing both the female and male aspects equally – but I’m not ready for that yet. And the divines know that and understand, as my vision so kindly reminded me. The God is waiting for me, patiently, knowing that I will one day find and reclaim him in my life.

And… I’m Back

It’s been awhile since I posted anything here. My mind and time has been filled with exciting, important things and I haven’t felt ready to sit down and write about it until now.

 I’ve made a wonderful new friend who is also pagan at heart. She discovered Wicca in highschool and has been on the path of peaceful living ever since. It’s very exciting to me to have find a true friend who is also pagan – being able to discuss pagan things together is so nice! She led me in a guided meditation last night that was very helpful. It was a very special moment, shared with three cats, a stick of incense, and two intrusive toddlers. I have a lot of pain and negative energy in my life (mostly from the past) that is having a big impact on me. I need to flush it out and fill myself with positive energy. My friend picked up on this and is doing everything she can to help me. 

I’ve been doing lots of reading about Pagan holidays and ways to celebrate them. So many lovely ideas! I checked out a stack of books from the library plus an audio book. Greatly enjoyed Laurie Cabot’s Celebrate the Earth and the audio book Your Primal Nature: Connecting with the Power of the Earth by Caroline Myss. The more I read the more I realize that I actually know about Pagan traditions. 

Now for the big one! I had an important spiritual experience last week. It happened in the tub, of all places. I had been pondering the negative energy that sometimes spring up from within me and makes me feel like an ugly (not in the physical sense) person. I didn’t like who the negative energy was making me and knew I needed to change. I’ve known that for months but haven’t made it very far. In the tub, I began to speak aloud. Speaking aloud is kind of scary to me, not sure why; hearing my own voice shakily saying things to the air is very powerful and scary. I sat there and spoke whatever popped into my head. It was mostly affirmations like “I will do ___” or “I will not do____.” A big one for me was that I would not harm myself and would love myself instead. I don’t cut or engage in other typical forms of self-harm, but I do struggle with being harmful to myself. I have a hard time loving my body or my self, between the things I was told/experienced in the past that impact my body image and then the fibromyalgia that caused my body to devastate my life. Anyway. I kept saying the affirmations and the more I said the more powerful it all felt. It then culminated in me finally stating aloud that I am in fact Pagan and that I want to seek out and serve the God and Goddess. I want to see the god and goddess that is within all other people, including myself, and learn to love and respect that. I want to… not sure what this is all going to entail, but it felt so wonderful to say it. When I had finished speaking, a heavy weight lifted off my body and drifted up to the ceiling and away from me. I felt peace and lightness of spirit – it was amazing. 

Exploring the Old Goddesses

Lately I’ve been looking for a patron goddess (and perhaps a god). There are lists and lists of deities out there, but I am looking for the goddess whose name and area of influence speaks to me personally.

Here are the ones who have jumped out at me (there are a lot):

Airmid: Celtic goddess of healing, medicine, and Spring; brings the dead back to life

Arianrhod: Welsh Celtic goddess of air, reincarnation, full moons, the stars, karma, the Wheel of the Year, the web of fate, and retribution

Brigit: Irish Celtic goddess, midwife, protector of women and children; ruled over agriculture, healing, divination, occult knowledge, poetry, prophecy, and metal work

Cerridwen: Welsh Celtic goddess of the moon, magic, poetry, music, luck, earth, agriculture, art, science, astrology, death, and fertility; keeper of the cauldron

Modron: Welsh Celtic goddess of Autumn, the harvest, magic, ritual, and fertility

Rhiannon: Welsh Celtic goddess of sunlight; her name means “the golden wheel” Read more…

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