Pagan at Heart

At peace with myself and the world… or at least headed that way

Archive for the tag “new”

Life Keeps Pulling Up My Roots

It’s that time again. I’ve once again reached the end of my rope, remembered my hunger for spiritual things, and am trying to find my pagan roots to re-ground myself. Maybe someday I’ll reach a point where I stay so in tune with my spiritual side that I don’t need to rediscover it to save my sanity. I certainly try… but life gets in the way. 😦 The three year old demands constant attention and energy. The house demands constant attention and energy. My health  repeatedly hits snags and I get laid up so that I have no energy or attention to give to anyone or anything. I don’t feel like I get any time to myself – time to just be and feel and breath – but I know that’s largely my fault. Yes, I’m a disabled stay-at-home-step-mom to a toddler, and it’s Winter and freezing cold outside, and we’re dirt poor… but I could make opportunities to get out by myself if I tried. Honestly, the thing I wish for most is time for Honey and I to be alone together, without a toddler. Truth be told… this ready-made family thing has taken a toll on my in recent days. My patience is worn so thin, and I feel horribly guilty about it. This brings me to an important bit of news: Honey and I are expecting!

The tarot cards I got for my birthday told me I was pregnant with a Leo baby long before a pregnancy test confirmed the news. We did the test on Solstice, which seemed fitting to me. 🙂 I’m nearing the 9 week mark and am due on August 20th. Hopefully everything will work out for this pregnancy… we’ve already had several scares and some trouble. First I thought I might have an ectopic pregnancy (which was ruled out), then I started having trouble with lots of bleeding (seems to have resolved now?), and then I got a stomach bug and was violently ill (went to the ER for fluids). Also, I was recently diagnosed with Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos (HEDS)… the day after I would have gotten pregnant, actually. I have a fairly mild case, thankfully. My heart is fine, my skin is fine, and I’ve never had any trouble with slow healing or my blood not clotting. My knees are probably the worst, though. Early this morning I woke up and wanted a drink of water, so I stood up and my left knee rolled out of joint. Gods that hurt! A bit worried about how having HEDS is going to impact my pregnancy, especially if my knees are gonna start giving out on me. Don’t want to fall while I’m pregnant. 😦 So yeah… I’m having trouble with hormones, morning sickness, HEDS, getting sick, and just generally struggling with life.

Despite becoming a step-mother over a year and a half ago, I think the transition from Maiden to Mother is hitting me right now. I want this baby, planned for its existence… but I’m scared to death about what could happen and how my own demons will impact my ability to be a good mother. I need to get myself together before this baby comes. God and Goddess please help me as I move forward. I know the strength lies somewhere within me, I just need to find it.

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And… I’m Back

It’s been awhile since I posted anything here. My mind and time has been filled with exciting, important things and I haven’t felt ready to sit down and write about it until now.

 I’ve made a wonderful new friend who is also pagan at heart. She discovered Wicca in highschool and has been on the path of peaceful living ever since. It’s very exciting to me to have find a true friend who is also pagan – being able to discuss pagan things together is so nice! She led me in a guided meditation last night that was very helpful. It was a very special moment, shared with three cats, a stick of incense, and two intrusive toddlers. I have a lot of pain and negative energy in my life (mostly from the past) that is having a big impact on me. I need to flush it out and fill myself with positive energy. My friend picked up on this and is doing everything she can to help me. 

I’ve been doing lots of reading about Pagan holidays and ways to celebrate them. So many lovely ideas! I checked out a stack of books from the library plus an audio book. Greatly enjoyed Laurie Cabot’s Celebrate the Earth and the audio book Your Primal Nature: Connecting with the Power of the Earth by Caroline Myss. The more I read the more I realize that I actually know about Pagan traditions. 

Now for the big one! I had an important spiritual experience last week. It happened in the tub, of all places. I had been pondering the negative energy that sometimes spring up from within me and makes me feel like an ugly (not in the physical sense) person. I didn’t like who the negative energy was making me and knew I needed to change. I’ve known that for months but haven’t made it very far. In the tub, I began to speak aloud. Speaking aloud is kind of scary to me, not sure why; hearing my own voice shakily saying things to the air is very powerful and scary. I sat there and spoke whatever popped into my head. It was mostly affirmations like “I will do ___” or “I will not do____.” A big one for me was that I would not harm myself and would love myself instead. I don’t cut or engage in other typical forms of self-harm, but I do struggle with being harmful to myself. I have a hard time loving my body or my self, between the things I was told/experienced in the past that impact my body image and then the fibromyalgia that caused my body to devastate my life. Anyway. I kept saying the affirmations and the more I said the more powerful it all felt. It then culminated in me finally stating aloud that I am in fact Pagan and that I want to seek out and serve the God and Goddess. I want to see the god and goddess that is within all other people, including myself, and learn to love and respect that. I want to… not sure what this is all going to entail, but it felt so wonderful to say it. When I had finished speaking, a heavy weight lifted off my body and drifted up to the ceiling and away from me. I felt peace and lightness of spirit – it was amazing. 

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