It’s been awhile since I posted anything here. My mind and time has been filled with exciting, important things and I haven’t felt ready to sit down and write about it until now.
I’ve made a wonderful new friend who is also pagan at heart. She discovered Wicca in highschool and has been on the path of peaceful living ever since. It’s very exciting to me to have find a true friend who is also pagan – being able to discuss pagan things together is so nice! She led me in a guided meditation last night that was very helpful. It was a very special moment, shared with three cats, a stick of incense, and two intrusive toddlers. I have a lot of pain and negative energy in my life (mostly from the past) that is having a big impact on me. I need to flush it out and fill myself with positive energy. My friend picked up on this and is doing everything she can to help me.
I’ve been doing lots of reading about Pagan holidays and ways to celebrate them. So many lovely ideas! I checked out a stack of books from the library plus an audio book. Greatly enjoyed Laurie Cabot’s Celebrate the Earth and the audio book Your Primal Nature: Connecting with the Power of the Earth by Caroline Myss. The more I read the more I realize that I actually know about Pagan traditions.
Now for the big one! I had an important spiritual experience last week. It happened in the tub, of all places. I had been pondering the negative energy that sometimes spring up from within me and makes me feel like an ugly (not in the physical sense) person. I didn’t like who the negative energy was making me and knew I needed to change. I’ve known that for months but haven’t made it very far. In the tub, I began to speak aloud. Speaking aloud is kind of scary to me, not sure why; hearing my own voice shakily saying things to the air is very powerful and scary. I sat there and spoke whatever popped into my head. It was mostly affirmations like “I will do ___” or “I will not do____.” A big one for me was that I would not harm myself and would love myself instead. I don’t cut or engage in other typical forms of self-harm, but I do struggle with being harmful to myself. I have a hard time loving my body or my self, between the things I was told/experienced in the past that impact my body image and then the fibromyalgia that caused my body to devastate my life. Anyway. I kept saying the affirmations and the more I said the more powerful it all felt. It then culminated in me finally stating aloud that I am in fact Pagan and that I want to seek out and serve the God and Goddess. I want to see the god and goddess that is within all other people, including myself, and learn to love and respect that. I want to… not sure what this is all going to entail, but it felt so wonderful to say it. When I had finished speaking, a heavy weight lifted off my body and drifted up to the ceiling and away from me. I felt peace and lightness of spirit – it was amazing.