My observation of Imbolc went differently than I expected it to – in a good way. I had a sudden realization that my goal for the year was to let go of the past, relax, and let loose. Imbolc is a time for announcing such things, so I hastily threw together a ritual and declared my intentions to the God and Goddess. It was my first ritual and it was sloppy; I fumbled through the whole thing. It was good, though. I feel better for having announced my goal.
It’s that time again. I’ve once again reached the end of my rope, remembered my hunger for spiritual things, and am trying to find my pagan roots to re-ground myself. Maybe someday I’ll reach a point where I stay so in tune with my spiritual side that I don’t need to rediscover it to save my sanity. I certainly try… but life gets in the way. 😦 The three year old demands constant attention and energy. The house demands constant attention and energy. My health repeatedly hits snags and I get laid up so that I have no energy or attention to give to anyone or anything. I don’t feel like I get any time to myself – time to just be and feel and breath – but I know that’s largely my fault. Yes, I’m a disabled stay-at-home-step-mom to a toddler, and it’s Winter and freezing cold outside, and we’re dirt poor… but I could make opportunities to get out by myself if I tried. Honestly, the thing I wish for most is time for Honey and I to be alone together, without a toddler. Truth be told… this ready-made family thing has taken a toll on my in recent days. My patience is worn so thin, and I feel horribly guilty about it. This brings me to an important bit of news: Honey and I are expecting!
The tarot cards I got for my birthday told me I was pregnant with a Leo baby long before a pregnancy test confirmed the news. We did the test on Solstice, which seemed fitting to me. 🙂 I’m nearing the 9 week mark and am due on August 20th. Hopefully everything will work out for this pregnancy… we’ve already had several scares and some trouble. First I thought I might have an ectopic pregnancy (which was ruled out), then I started having trouble with lots of bleeding (seems to have resolved now?), and then I got a stomach bug and was violently ill (went to the ER for fluids). Also, I was recently diagnosed with Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos (HEDS)… the day after I would have gotten pregnant, actually. I have a fairly mild case, thankfully. My heart is fine, my skin is fine, and I’ve never had any trouble with slow healing or my blood not clotting. My knees are probably the worst, though. Early this morning I woke up and wanted a drink of water, so I stood up and my left knee rolled out of joint. Gods that hurt! A bit worried about how having HEDS is going to impact my pregnancy, especially if my knees are gonna start giving out on me. Don’t want to fall while I’m pregnant. 😦 So yeah… I’m having trouble with hormones, morning sickness, HEDS, getting sick, and just generally struggling with life.
Despite becoming a step-mother over a year and a half ago, I think the transition from Maiden to Mother is hitting me right now. I want this baby, planned for its existence… but I’m scared to death about what could happen and how my own demons will impact my ability to be a good mother. I need to get myself together before this baby comes. God and Goddess please help me as I move forward. I know the strength lies somewhere within me, I just need to find it.
It’s been awhile since I posted anything here. My mind and time has been filled with exciting, important things and I haven’t felt ready to sit down and write about it until now.
I’ve made a wonderful new friend who is also pagan at heart. She discovered Wicca in highschool and has been on the path of peaceful living ever since. It’s very exciting to me to have find a true friend who is also pagan – being able to discuss pagan things together is so nice! She led me in a guided meditation last night that was very helpful. It was a very special moment, shared with three cats, a stick of incense, and two intrusive toddlers. I have a lot of pain and negative energy in my life (mostly from the past) that is having a big impact on me. I need to flush it out and fill myself with positive energy. My friend picked up on this and is doing everything she can to help me.
I’ve been doing lots of reading about Pagan holidays and ways to celebrate them. So many lovely ideas! I checked out a stack of books from the library plus an audio book. Greatly enjoyed Laurie Cabot’s Celebrate the Earth and the audio book Your Primal Nature: Connecting with the Power of the Earth by Caroline Myss. The more I read the more I realize that I actually know about Pagan traditions.
Now for the big one! I had an important spiritual experience last week. It happened in the tub, of all places. I had been pondering the negative energy that sometimes spring up from within me and makes me feel like an ugly (not in the physical sense) person. I didn’t like who the negative energy was making me and knew I needed to change. I’ve known that for months but haven’t made it very far. In the tub, I began to speak aloud. Speaking aloud is kind of scary to me, not sure why; hearing my own voice shakily saying things to the air is very powerful and scary. I sat there and spoke whatever popped into my head. It was mostly affirmations like “I will do ___” or “I will not do____.” A big one for me was that I would not harm myself and would love myself instead. I don’t cut or engage in other typical forms of self-harm, but I do struggle with being harmful to myself. I have a hard time loving my body or my self, between the things I was told/experienced in the past that impact my body image and then the fibromyalgia that caused my body to devastate my life. Anyway. I kept saying the affirmations and the more I said the more powerful it all felt. It then culminated in me finally stating aloud that I am in fact Pagan and that I want to seek out and serve the God and Goddess. I want to see the god and goddess that is within all other people, including myself, and learn to love and respect that. I want to… not sure what this is all going to entail, but it felt so wonderful to say it. When I had finished speaking, a heavy weight lifted off my body and drifted up to the ceiling and away from me. I felt peace and lightness of spirit – it was amazing.
Lush, green lawns are nice to look at. They are the object of much affection for many American home owners. Maintenance of lawns eats up many hours and lots of money every year. I personally see well-manicured lawns as a waist of time, money, and space. Simple grass offers no substantial benefits to its owners (unless you’re raising animals and keep them as your lawn maintenance crew!). The space and time dedicated to perfect, green lawns could be put into more useful activities such as creating a garden. Food, herbs, and even some flowers have lots of benefits for people everywhere. I’ve seen a list of plants that excel at “eating” CO2 and releasing oxygen, thereby aiding the entire world and making a long-lasting, positive impact. Just imagine if everyone switched from growing lawns to growing gardens or other useful plants! The impact would be staggering!
The uselessness of lawns really bothers me, but what bothers me even more is what people put onto their lawns to make them perfect – chemicals. Just yesterday I was walking through some grass in my neighborhood and enjoying being barefoot, only to discover a sign posted that I should keep off the lawn because it had just been treated. This treated lawn has no weeds growing in it, is bright green and thick, but at what cost? A neighbor’s cat was rolling around in it and enjoying what should be a natural environment for a cat. Birds swooped down looking for the supper from the ground. Ducks waddled through the lawn on their way to the water, which will be full of chemicals every time the rain washes them down. Children want to dash through the lawn. Dogs frolic and play catch with their owners. They will come into contact with nasty, poisonous chemicals… all because we want perfect, green lawns. It’s ridiculous and unethical, in my opinion. Putting something like the aesthetics of a lawn over the health of people, animals, and the environment as a whole is deeply selfish.
P.S. Dandelions and other “weeds” are really pretty and may even have medicinal or edible properties!
On a vacation of sorts to see my family. It’s odd to be back in an old life. They’ve been very respectful of me for the most part and haven’t made attempts at proselytization. My mom suggested I pray about a few things, but that has been it so far. I’ve done my best to be respectful of their beliefs as well. I’ve also tried not to spout my more liberal thoughts and opinions. Being an adult child is a bizarre state of existence that I’m having a hard time adjusting to.
I’ve caught myself wanting to say something very pagan a few times. They don’t know my current state of beliefs, and would not appreciate my paganism. The last time my parents brought up paganism, I was unsure of my beliefs, but the topic was more than enough to send my mom into a tizzy. Because of that instance, I’m loathe to bring it up again. I censor everything I say to them or do on Facebook. Hiding things is frightfully annoying and stressful, but espousing the truth would be worse, so for now I’ll stay silent.
Do any of you have coming out stories or thoughts about the limbo state of being a twenty-something adult child?